Reflections

When I decided to book my trip to India earlier this year, I knew it was a life changing decision. I still find it hard to explain the feeling I had at the time. It was a mixture of excitment and overwhleming emotion, just knowing that this was absolutely something I had to do.

I still don’t know how life changing my trip will be, but with less than 7 weeks to go, it won’t be long until I find out.

Fog

I’ve spent a great deal of time this year under some kind of weird fog. Not like the dark cloud I can feel hanging over my head when my imposter syndrome kicks in. More like a light blanket of fog that just doesn’t want to shift.

I’ve spent months trying to work out what may’ve been causing it. Along with the fog was the all too familiar feeling that I had lost myself again. Becky had disappeared. When this has happened in the past, it‘s been relationship related. But I knew it wasn’t related to this this time. In fact, the times when I’m with my partner, i’m at my happiest.

It left me feeling strange. I had a lot to be happy about, yet I found myself feeling a bit nondescript. I just couldn’t put my finger on what was causing it.

Time Out

I planned my annual leave badly this year. After hardly taking any leave over the summer months, it left me with a ridiculous amount of leave to take before the end of the calendar year. With a pretty stacked out work diary between now and India, it left me with little choice other than to take some much needed long weekends.

Not only have these extra long weekends given me an opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep, it’s also provided me with some time to reflect on the last few months.

It was during my reflection time that I began to realise what had been making me so unhappy.

And with that realisation, the fog slowly began to lift, and I realised what I needed to do in order to regain some balance.

Whilst I’m starting to put plans in place to deal with the issue, it’s not going to be resolved quickly. However, simply by realising what the problem was, and knowing there is a way out with a little bit of planning, the fog has started to lift, and I’ve started to feel like me again.

With the fog lifting, it’s also brought with it that same feeling of excitement and overwhelming emotion that I felt when I booked my trip to India.

Coincidence or something deeper?

I would love to understand where these epiphany’s come from. Is it purely from finding the time to slow down and reflect? Or is it something deeper? Is it all connected to India? Or is it just a coincidence that this realisation came just a few weeks before I travel, and gave me the same buzz?

I’m not sure what the reasons are, but what I do know is this overwhelming, excited feeling is addictive. It’s almost like I reach a crossroads, and when I take the right path, I get rewarded by experiencing this feeling.

Maybe that’s too deep. But it does feel spiritual. And that’s certainly something I’m keen to explore further.

And as for India? Who knows what new doors may open while I’m there…

Reflections: Battersea Power Station