As it’s Valentines Day today, I thought I would re-visit one of my favourite blog posts. This subject really got me thinking, and it certainly caused some interesting debate in our office at the time. This post was originally published on 28th March 2019 and updated on 14th February 2021.

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Is love or loyalty is more important to you?

This question came up in the office recently (it was obviously a day the boss wasn’t in!), and it really got me thinking.

Most people in our small London office said loyalty, in most cases, without hesitation.

Others argued, could you really have one without the other?

But, if you had to choose between them, would you choose love or loyalty?

Before I dive in

Before I continue, I think it’s important to note that:

• I’m not married and never have been.
• And, I don’t have children.

My thoughts on this may differ if my circumstances were different. But, they may not. Who knows? But I felt it was important to flag, I am writing this as someone who has very few ‘ties’.

Relationships differ for everyone

When this subject arose, I started to think about my own relationships and it raised some interesting questions.

• Could I/Would I/Should I still love someone if they were unfaithful?
• Could/Would/Should someone still love me if I cheated on them?
• Could I/Would I/Should I stay loyal to someone if our love started to fade?
• Could/Would/Should someone stay with me if they no longer loved me?
• Could/Would/Should they stay wth me out of convenience?
• Could I/Would I/Should I even want a partner to be loyal if his love for me had faded?
• Could/Would/Should loyalty be enough to keep a relationship together?

I’ve been in relationships where I’ve loved the person, but no longer been in love with them. In my experience, staying with someone you’re no longer in love with, will result in unhappiness. And nobody deserves that.

It’s easy to end up just ‘existing’ with one another which isn’t always particularly healthy either.

Or maybe the intimacy, and the spark fades, but you’re still good friends. And sometimes that’s ok. But is it enough?

Would You Stay in a Relationship if You Were No Longer Happy?

I’ve been in relationships, where loyalty has been chosen over love.

I remember asking one boyfriend, whether anything would ever drive him to leave the relationship. It seems an odd question to ask now, but I guess I was trying to test the boundaries. His response was that even if the relationship turned sour, he would stay.

I couldn’t make sense of this. We were both young. There would be plenty of time to find someone else if our relationship didn’t work out. It made me wonder why he would do this to himself. But it also made me question whether I would want to stay with someone who was content with plodding along.

The irony in this is that this ex is now married, and, well, I’m not. Perhaps that’s the ultimate difference between love and loyalty, or at least the difference between he and I. He’s loyal to the core, a genuine Mr Nice Guy. And I’m forever chasing love.

Don’t get me wrong, I am ridiculously loyal. But when that ‘spark’ fades, I do find it difficult to stay. 

Heartache

I’ve had my fair share of heartache too.

I’ve been in love and it hasn’t been reciprocated. I’ve also loved from afar.

But at least heartache makes you feel something. It reminds us we’re alive. And as much as it hurts, I think I would rather endure that than the just existing.

Funnily enough, the guy who caused me the most heartache is the relationship I remember most fondly. It’s not that funny come to think of it. We were good together. We just never quite got our timing right. Ironically, he’s also now married. Has anyone else spotted a pattern here??

I can’t imagine there is a worse feeling than knowing your partner has strayed. I suspect a couple of ex-boyfriends have cheated on me in the past. Not that any of them have confessed. But I get a gut feeling about these things, and my gut rarely lies. Maybe if I had known for sure, I would be more cynical about love. 

If you loved someone and discovered they had cheated, could you find it in you to forgive them? 

Perhaps you would never forgive them completely, but would you at least be able to push it to the back of your mind, because your loyalty for that person was so strong?

Believe it or not, I want loyalty to come out on top here, but is it ever really enough?

Ultimately, as human beings, we want to believe in love and loyalty. For me, there is no greater feeling than finding yourself in a relationship with someone loyal who loves you dearly, whom you love deeply in return.

Marriage Without Love

Yet, I am also aware that experiencing love and loyalty in the same relationship, isn’t always possible. In some cultures, love isn’t a necessity. Let’s take arranged marriages for example. Arranged marriages are still the norm in some cultures, especially within Southern Asia. The families often organise matches for convenience, for wealth, or even for popularity. If the couple is lucky, they may grow to love one another. But sadly, it is not always the case.

What Would You Choose?

For me, being in a relationship is about being with someone you can enjoy life with. I love my own company. I don’t need a man to make me happy or to complete me. Ultimately, I want my ‘happy ever after’ to be with someone I can laugh with and share adventures with. Someone to grow with when life throws challenges at us. A team mate.

I would hate for someone to stay with me if they no longer loved me. I don’t want someone to stay with me out of convenience, or because they are scared of singledom. I don’t want someone to ‘make do’ with me, or to stay because that’s what’s expected of us. Sod that!

Ultimately I want someone to stay with me because they are in love with me. And if you fall out of love with me, that’s ok too. I’ll be ok. I always am. 

So, what’s more important to you – Love or Loyalty?

 

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