Dreams

I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

I’m not.

But, I’m not sitting around dreading it either.

I’ve never had a dream job. Even as a kid, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Whilst I was at school, trying to decide whether to go to university or not, I didn’t know what course I wanted to do, because I had no idea what I might want to do in the future. By the time I left university, I still had no idea.

It’s taken 35 years for me to start figuring out what i’d really like to do.

Although, looking back, there were times when I toyed with the idea, I just didn’t know how to get there.

I guess part of me has always thought that a dream job, was just that. A dream. Not achievable for those of us who are just ‘ordinary’ people.

But why should it stay as a dream? Why not chase after it?

Whilst I was walking along one of the Algarve’s many beaches last week, it struck me that I finally know what I would like to do.

It may not happen over night. It may even come under a slightly different guise.

But what I do know, is that it feels right to chase after it. To throw (almost) everything into trying to achieve it.

It’s not going to be easy, as I still need to earn a wage while I’m chasing my dream. There will be some multi tasking, hard work and lot’s of juggling involved. But I need to make sure I dedicate some time to focus on my plan for the future.

However hard it might be to chase my dreams, everything seems to be pointing me in this direction. And the difference this time, is that I really do feel ready to work hard for it. I want to do something that gives my life more meaning. To wake up each morning looking forward to going to work. To look forward to going back to work after a week off.

So you may be asking yourself why I’m not dreading work tomorrow? And the answer? I have a plan. Which is ironic. Because I’m rubbish at planning anything outside of my occasional social life. I am slowly but surely, creating a plan, and starting to work towards achieving my dream.

And that makes going back to work tomorrow, all the more bearable.

Readjusting

After a wobbly start to the year, a weekend readjusting was much needed.

I took a brief trip to the lovely St. Albans on Saturday to meet up with my family. We’ve often suggested meeting half way between Northampton and London, but never actually done it. St. Albans is pretty much bang in the middle (time wise), taking each of us just over an hour to get there. We met at Verulamium Park for a lovey brunch in the cafe, and then walked up through the park to the Cathedral, and onwards to the shops.

None of us had ever been to St. Albans before, so except for the photo’s we had seen online before we met, we didn’t know what to expect. It certainly didn’t disappoint. It’s such a beautiful, peaceful place. Sadly, we didn’t have enough time to look around the cathedral, but we will definitely go back in the near future to have a proper mooch around to see what else St. Albans has to offer.

From there, I headed back to my London flat to start having a new year clear out and to settle into life as a singleton. Cupboards have been emptied, christmas presents taken out of their boxes, and christmas decorations put away for another year.

I still have no idea how I am going to get my Christmas tree out of my first floor flat without dropping its needles everywhere. I’ve attempted to wrap it in bin liners to make it easier, but it’s so big and heavy I have an awful feeling the only way to get it out is to slide it down the stairs…needless to say, the neighbours are going to love me when I try to get it out the front door this week!

The sort out has commenced, but I still have piles of things lying around the flat waiting to find their new homes, but I’m in no rush to finish sorting things out. It gives me a focus when I get home from work this week.

It’s been quite therapeutic changing things around though. It really is starting to feel like the fresh start I needed.

In addition to the big clear out, I have also managed to get out for a jog today. My second one this week. For those of you who read my blog New Year, New Goals, you will already be aware that one of my goals this year is to exercise more. For those who know me, you will know that I’m not a long distance runner. In school, I was a sprinter. In fact, I was the fastest girl in my school at one point in the 100m sprint. I have always been rubbish at running longer distances. But being surrounded by parks, and needing to save some money, jogging is my best option for now. Although it’s only the second time I’ve been out this week, I am already finding it really enjoyable. It’s very much walk, jog, walk, jog at the moment, but it’s already giving me more energy, despite the fact it has also made me realise just how unfit I am.

Another goal I have managed to stick to so far, is spending less time on social media. As the clock struck midnight on NYE, I deactivated my Facebook and Linkedin accounts, as well as one of my Instagram accounts. My social media time is already down by 9% this week. I haven’t missed Facebook and Linkedin at all yet. In fact, my mind feels more relaxed for not having them on my phone. Particularly with Linkedin. It’s so easy to get into the habit of working all day, and then reading work related material in the evening, which wasn’t giving my mind the break from work that in needs at the end of a long day.

I still need to work on my other goals, but there is no rush to achieve everything straight away.

To end the weekend, feeling energised after my jog, I managed to make a roast dinner for one, and have enjoyed some time chilling out in front of the tv with a glass of wine.

I wonder what the next 7 days will have in store…

(Photo’s from my trip to St. Albans. I can’t waiy to go back on a sunny day to take some more snaps)

A Belated New Chapter

Slightly later than anticipated, but Happy New Year to you all. I hope you had a lovely Christmas and a great start to the New Year.

2019 got off to a slightly strange start.

I had a lovely Christmas back home with my family.

Despite my recent breakup, I was looking forward to getting back to London.

I was excited to be moving my cat down to London with me. I have had my little four legged creature for about 5/6 years now. She had been living with my mum and dad for the last 3 years, but finally my landlady has given in and allowed me to bring her to the flat. They say cat’s aren’t as loyal as dogs, but this one doesn’t leave my side. Even when I’d go back to mum and dad’s, she follows me everywhere.

It’s been hard getting her settled into flat life this week though. With my ex starting to pack up his things in preparation of moving out of the flat, it’s taken her a good few days to settle in, but judging from the photo below, she’s getting there!

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It’s been a hard week for all of us I guess.

The day my ex moved out, I was a more emotional than I had anticipated. We moved into this flat just over 2 years ago after only knowing each other for 6 weeks. There are a lot of memories here.

Yet, I know the decision to go our separate ways is the right one.

I hope we can remain friends, but only time will tell.

So with the first week of January almost behind us, rather belatedly, I am ready to start the new year. My new chapter.

Change is always slightly unnerving, but it’s exciting too.

I can’t wait to see what this year has in store.

It’s time to start filling the pages of 2019.

Signing out of 2018

Well here we are, New Years Eve 2018. The last year has once again been full of highs and lows. There have been losses, heartache, a lot of soul searching, and a lot of self discovery. I may not be where I thought I would be at the beginning of 2018, but I sure know me better than I did 12 months ago.

If you read my last post New Year, New Goals,you will know that one of my goals for 2019 is to improve my wellbeing, and in particular my self care.

I am currently working my way through Nadia Narain & Katia Narain Phillips book, ‘Self-care for the real world’. In the book, they talk about keeping a self-care bank of resources which is helpful for those days when everything seems to be running away from you, and those negative thoughts are creeping in. The purpose of the bank is to build up enough resources on your good days, when you have oodles of energy and motivation, to compensate for the days when quite frankly you feel a bit more out of sorts.

So, in my final post of 2018, I thought I would share with you the 5 resources I want to ‘bank up’ for those blergh days, to help see me through, and funnily enough, most of them seem to link in quite nicely to my aims and goals for 2019:

  1. To get outside and exercise. Being surrounded by beautiful parks, there are plenty of opportunites to get out there and get fit. I love being outdoors, so what better way to look after body and mind than to take a jog around the local park.
  2. To make time each week to reflect on my wellbeing, and noticing what my mind and body needs to help me get through the week. I’ve said it before, but the last few months have really opened my eyes to my wellbeing, and I am slowly getting better at identifying what my body and mind need at particular times.
  3. To make time each week to be sociable outside of work, spending time with those who make me laugh and bring the best out of me, but also to spend time with those who have similar interests. What’s better than spending time with those who make you have a good old belly laugh!
  4. To make sure I get enough sleep, ideally with my head hitting the pillow no later than 11pm. I need my sleep, and if I don’t get enough, I’m ratty. But equally, I hate to get up late. The key for me is getting between 7-8 hours sleep each night. So as long as I aim to sleep by 11pm on weekdays and middnight at weekends, by body should get all the rest it needs (with the occasional nap thrown in for good measure).
  5. To not take things personally. The days, weeks even, I have wasted on suffering with imposter syndrome due to one person’s stupid comments, when they have no idea of the way they have made me feel. We never really know what other people are going through and where their heads are at when they make comments to us, yet we can really let their comments affect us.

From the 1st January, I aim to bank as many of these resources as I can to ensure that I have a much happier, more balanced 2019.

As this is my last blog of 2018, I would like to thank all my followers, friends (old and new), and my family, for all your love and support in 2018. I am super excited to see what 2019 has to offer.

Happy New Year folks 🙂

See you on the other side!

Becky xx

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New Year, New Goals

It’s that time of year again when we take time to look back at the last 12 months and to look forward to the next.

I reflected on much of the last 12 months in a blog I wrote earlier this month called Turning 35, so now it’s time to focus on the next 12 months.

I’m  not one for making new years resolutions. Resolutions always sound like they should involve giving things up. I don’t feel the need to give anything up, so instead, what you will find below, are the 5 things I would either like to achieve, take a break from, or improve on in 2019:

  1. I will be cutting down on my social media time in 2019. Facebook, Twitter, 2 x Instagram accounts, Snapchat, Whatsapp, Pinterest, LinkedIn. Why is it as human beings we have the inability to just click into one app and be done with it? Why does clicking into an app lead to us scrolling through the latest updates, and then moving onto the next app, and the next, and the next. Before we know it, at least an hour of our precious day is gone. Whilst there are some apps I couldn’t live without (Whatsapp for one, and my Mindful Gingernut Instagram profile which links in nicely with my blog), do I really need to use mindless apps such as Facebook? And I guess I question why I need 2 Instagram accounts? And Linkedin too. I struggle to ‘get’ Linkedin. Spending my limited free time browsing through posts from work colleagues old and new, is no longer appealing. I do know of people who have been headhunted through the app, but these are few and far between. This week alone, I have spent over 7 hrs on Facebook and Instagram, which is just ridiculous. I could’ve achieved so much more with those 7 wasted hours! So from the 1st January, I will be deactivating my Facebook account, taking a break from my personal instagram account for the first 6 months of the year, and will more than likely be taking a break from Linkedin. This should free up some time to focus on other things, such as reading more books, and joining some classes in order to meet new people and to make new friends. After 6 months, I will reflect back on whether I have missed either app, and if so, look at ways I can continue to use them but in a more mindful way.
  2.  In 2019 I want to find some more London friends. Ok, so I have been saying this for the last 3 years, but in 2019, I really need to get off my backside and do something about it. I love my friends dearly, but not many of them live close enough to pop in for a drink on a Friday night, or to grab dinner after work mid-week. I love spending time on my own, but likewise, I love to be sociable too. Just before Christmas this year, I went to a wreath making workshop. Whilst I didn’t exchange numbers with any of the ladies at the workshop, it did give me hope that I hadn’t lost the ability to talk to new people. So in 2019, I’m going to put myself out there. I’m going to enrol on some courses, learn some new skills, and hopefully, make some new friends.
  3. In 2019, I want to eat healthier and to exercise more. Whilst I wouldn’t say I have an awful diet, I have spent the last couple of years eating oily curries, bigger portions, and lots of naan bread. Now I will be cooking for one more often, I will have greater control over my diet. I want to eat a wider variety of foods, giving my plate more colour, trying out new dishes, and filling them with more vegetables. What i don’t plan to do is to give up my favourite foods however ‘bad’ they may be. What I am going to do though, is make sure I eat them in moderation. When it comes to exercise, I love walking, but struggle to fit this into the working week, especially during the dark evenings. I know once the nights get lighter I will get out and about more in the evenings, but I can’t put my fitness and health on hold until then. I live in between two of South West London’s biggest parks. There is absolutely no excuse for me not to take a run around either of the parks during my lunch break on the day I work from home and again at weekends. I do like to work out from home, and lift my weights and do some strength exercises at least 3 times a week, but I definitely need to do something that gets my heart racing. I would love to join the gym again, however, the nature of my day job stops me from doing anything on a regular basis at the moment, and for me, if I am going to join the gym, I need to be able to commit to a regular routine. So, for 2019, I aim to continue to work on my strength exercises from home, and to work up to jogging around one of the local parks 3 x per week. Although this will be one of the harder challenges I set myself, with a little bit of determination and motivation, with any luck, I will be jogging around those parks in no time.
  4. In 2019, I want to travel more. I have always longed to travel, but i’ve either never had the money or the courage to do it. Money is still tight especially as I face renting on my own for the first time. But what I do have is lot’s more courage. Ever since I took my first holiday alone in 2016, I have longed to take another trip. So yesterday, rather than wait for the new year to begin, I booked my first holiday of 2019, which will see me heading to the Algarve in February. Whilst it won’t be at it’s warmest in February, I’m looking forward to exploring somewhere new, taking my laptop and some books, and just spending a few days relaxing, reading, eating freshly caught fish, and writing more blogs. I hope this will be the first of a few breaks in 2019.
  5. Last but my no means least, I want to spend 2019 focusing on my wellbeing and self-care. It’s only in the last 6 months of 2018, that I have become more aware of the need to look after myself mentally as well as physically. There have been so many times over the last 3 years, where I have been so consumed by work, that I forgot to check in with myself to see how I am. Work has often left me with little free time to do the things I enjoy. It has left me exhausted and mentally drained. This has to change in 2019. In the last 6 months, I have learnt so much about myself as I begin to take greater control over my life and my mind. Yet there is still so much more to explore. I want to spend 2019 reading into and practicing different wellbeing, mindfulness and self-care techniques in order to find out what works best for me.

These goals shouldn’t be too difficult to achieve with a little bit of thought, motivation and determination, yet at the same time, if I get these right, they are things that could really change my life. So much of the last 3 years have been focused on work and other people. It’s time to shift the balance a little, so I can focus a little bit more on me and what I need in order to be a happier more balanced person.

What are your goals and aims for 2019?

As one chapter comes to an end, another begins

I feel kinda weird writing this post, but wanted to explain my absence over the last few weeks.

It’s been hard to find the right words so as not to cause any further hurt, but at the same time, since I started my blog, I have found it a really useful platform in dealing with my thoughts and find it better to get things out in the open, rather than internalising things.

I had known from the start of the year that 2018 was going to be a challenging time. It was going to test me and my relationship on every level.

They say that big events in life either make or break a couple. They bring you closer together, or you drift further apart.

This time, it sadly resulted in us drifting apart.

I hated having to have the conversation so close to Christmas. It’s one of my favourite times of year. I love the magic of Christmas. But this year, I was losing my spark. My festive spirit had gone, and it resulted me resenting my relationship even more because of it.

Christmas or not, I don’t think there is ever an easy time to finish something you know is not working. It was making me more and more miserable, and I knew that if I prolonged the inevitable even further, it was going to be harder to find happy me again.

It was hard leaving him in London as I travelled back to Northampton for Christmas. We had planned to spend time at my parents together. Instead he would now be spending Christmas alone in our flat whilst I travelled home to spend time with friends and family.

We have continued to live together the past few weeks which has made things hard at times. I’d be lying if I said that heading to Northampton for the holidays hadn’t been needed. It seemed to take so long to get there, but I was so grateful to finally hit the motorway on Saturday. It’s been nice to get some space to reflect, remember the good times, but to also start rebuilding me, so that in the new year, I can start the next leg of my journey.

I’m not sure where things are going to take me yet. I am still taking one day at a time. My heart hasn’t been where it perhaps should’ve been for the last year, so now it’s time to start thinking about where my heart wants to be. But not just my heart. My head too. I know I still have a lot to learn about myself.

The last few months I have become more aware of the need to look after my mind. Self-care is becoming increasingly important to me, and certainly something I want to explore more in the year ahead.

I have no hard feelings towards him. Our relationship has simply run its course. I will continue to hope that he achieves all that he dreams of.

But for now, it’s time for me to strap in, and start preparing for the next chapter of my life.