Having now turned the clocks back, and with November just around the corner, our uncertain future gets ever closer to becoming clearer.
When I met my boyfriend 2 years ago, I knew he was going to have to re-apply for his visa in order to stay here. What I hadn’t accounted for was how either one of us would deal with it.
In some ways I think he has dealt with it better than I have. He just seems to carry on, and talks positively about the future. But then he’s also not great at talking about his feelings and worries, even when I try to coax it out of him.
I definitely haven’t coped with it. In any way shape or form.
From the minute he started to re-apply (which was almost a year ago now), I’ve been an emotional wreck. My head has been all over the place.
He also finds this hard to deal with. I don’t think he really understands how it impacts me. Don’t get me wrong, I know this is a bigger deal for him. But it also impacts my future too.
In addition to the uncertainty, right now, we can’t plan anything. Christmas seems hard to plan, and on top of that our birthdays fall just before and just after the date his application is due to be considered by the courts…
My coping mechanism is also screwed. I know that on the days when I think less positively, I am pushing him away. That might seem weird and unsupportive. And it probably is, but for me it’s always been my way of coping. If I start to become less attached, then it won’t hurt as much if things don’t go to plan.
I also find myself working ridiculously long hours in order to block things out at home. Work is a distraction, and because my job is constantly busy, it’s very easy to bury myself in that, spending less time at home.
Somehow, I have resigned myself to the fact this won’t have a happy ending.
The time when he needs me most, I am struggling to be there for him.
For the next 4 weeks, I need to toughen up. Whatever happens at the end of November, we need to make the most of the time we have together.